I don’t write blogs as often as I should, it’s hard for me to come to grip with feelings and let them go, or rather get them out. Probably nothing a shrink couldn’t fix, or at least help with, but they ask too many questions and in most of my experiences; don’t believe what I am saying.
A few years ago I wrote my first blog about being a food addict, at that time I was doing good and trying to get my eating under control, and like most addicts I relapsed, or as I like to call it, go off the rails. It doesn’t take much for it to happen, and I’m starting to think maybe because I secretly wanted it to happen. It’s easy to have an excuse to repeat old and bad habits, to give up instead of fighting through the things that make life hard. I just wanted to talk about a few of the things that make me regress and go to food for comfort.
I’ve built up walls to keep people out so I wouldn't get hurt. I figured if I don’t let them in and let them get close then they can hurt me. I can be very unpleasant to people, part of it is by design, part of it is just how I am. I have a very small handful of friends that really know me, that know the real me. It may be hard for some people to believe but I am a very good friend. I would do anything for my friends. I think of that scene in Good Will Hunting when Robin William’s says to the professor that Will hangs out with those “retarded gorillas” because if he asked them to they would take a bat to your head out of loyalty. Without waxing mellow drama, I am like that, I’m not violent but you get the gist. Having a small group of friends makes it easier not to be put in uncomfortable situations. My weight makes me very insecure, especially in social settings, the more I push away, the less I have to be asked to be in them. Everyone thinks because I’m a comedian I would love to be out and around people, quite the opposite. On stage I am the most confident I have ever been in my life, it’s when I come off the stage that I let my insecurities take over. It’s much easier being the funny fat guy eating and making a joke out of it, than a fat guy ordering a salad or something healthy. Most people think I’m hiding my eating anyway, that I will order a salad but go home a pig out. Not going to lie, in the past that was true most of the time.
Relationships are always a trigger for me as well. Goes to that whole letting people in thing. Most of the girls I do meet are at comedy clubs, they see me do well, have an idea of who I am and they go with it. Most guys would have fun with this, I mean isn’t that what you get into showbusiness for, the girls right? lol. I’m ok wit being alone, I don’t do well in a relationship. I always seem to lose my self worth because I put so much stock into what the other person thinks and feels about me. With my last girlfriend I let everything go to the side including comedy and I hated myself for it, which lead me to being depressed, and as I always do I turned to food. I’m in no way blaming her or any other girl I have ever been with, it’s not their fault, I’m a broken person, and for the first time ever I am ok with that. I am starting to like who I am, I don’t need a girl validating that. I like being able to do what I want when I want too, I am selfish, and if being selfish gets me what I want then that is how I have to be.
The biggest challenge for me, what always got me to go off the rails or off my program is in the month of July. July is a tough month for me, has been since my Mother passed away on July 21, 2008. My Mom’s birthday is also July 7th. Two reminders in two weeks of that my Mom is no longer here. Not that I need a certain day to be reminded of that, I think about it everyday, it’s just those days sting a little more. I never really learned how to deal with the pain of my Mom not being here, and maybe I never really will. What I have to do is not let that pain consume me, take over my being and be an excuse to further hurt myself. It’s easy to stuff my face and zone out and numb the pain of what is really bothering me. It makes no sense because my Mother would kick my ass if I deliberately did something stupid to hurt myself. When she first got sick, my Mom wrote me a letter and one of the things that was in that letter was that I need to start taking care of myself. That we get one body in this life and once it goes, that is it. Well this Friday is July 21st, and I’m proud to say that this is the first July I haven’t fallen apart. I am trying to keep it together for my Mom, and for my family who I am very grateful for. No matter how many time I mess up they always have my back and show me endless love and support.
I take full responsibly for my addiction and I am not blaming others for it or when I go off. Just trying to acknowledge my triggers so I am not doomed to repeat my past failures.