This is my first blog entry. In thinking about what I wanted to share, I wanted to share something I've been dealing with my whole life. I am an addict.
I'm not an addict like you might be thinking, I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, or even gambling. I am a food addict. It's a very real and scary addiction. Imagine being addicted to something that you need to live. You don't have to do drugs to live, or alcohol, but you do need to eat to survive. Now what you eat is a different story. I didn't eat the right things and as you can see it's taken its toll on me.
I've tried every diet, tried to lose weight a million times. That's all I was doing, trying to lose weight and ignoring the addiction part of it. A few times over the coarse of my life I've had success in losing weight. I always put it back on and more because I never have faced the addict part of it until now. I attend over eaters anonymous meetings and literally take each meal and snack one at a time, because it's always on my mind. I think about food all day long; what am I going to eat, when, how much, where. It can drive you a little crazy. Now it's all about making the right choices and putting things in my body that will help it run the best it can. It's not easy. I can't just eat one cookie, or one brownie, I have to eat 10. So I just can't eat them. A binge will trigger the same emotion I would imagine a drug addict gets after they get their fix. After I shove junk in my face I get this like glazed over feeling (excuse the pun), I zone out, and then I come down. It's not a good feeling, that too full feeling. I get heartburn, stomach pains and feel out of it. I'm happy to say that since I started my recovery in November I haven't felt any of that, but damage is done.
I'm sure there will be physical damage to the years of abuse I've put my body through, and I feel some of those effects now. I have a bad back and both my knees hurt. The extra weight all these years have taken their toll and I need to take care of this now to avoid any further damage. Mentally it's taken it's toll on me. When ever I don't get a job or a gig, or a girl turns me down I think maybe it's because of my size and how I look. In the past I would let that get to me so much I would go and eat more, like it was the one thing I had in the world. I've used my size as a security blanket of some sort, using it as an excuse not to try new things or meet new people. You can't be hurt if you don't open your self up to people or something new. I'm not proud of it, it was just a way to survive and not get hurt and use food as a band aid. Don't get me wrong I like relationships, I just know they will end because I never deal with my problems with food and getting healthy. I can pretend all I want it's not an issue but when someone thinks of a future with someone they want to make sure they will be there for that future and if they are able to enjoy life and be able to do things.
I was single for 4 years, I would meet girls, date for maybe a month but nothing turned into a relationship. It was just about 4 years since my last relationship that I meet someone. I knew right away I was in trouble, I really liked this girl. She was smart, funny, caring, and beautiful, I really out kicked my coverage with this one. My friends and family would joke with me, like what is she doing with you. We hit the ground running, things where great, I fell in love and didn't care who knew. My friends use to make fun of me for posting pics of us and statuses about us. I didn't care, I wanted the world to know I found this amazing woman and I loved her and she loved me. She was like no one else I was with, I felt a connection like I never felt before, and I've been engaged twice. This was different, I felt like I found my other half, the missing piece. My family loved her, my fiends all liked her, I thought this must be too good to be true, but it wasn't, she was my girl and I was happy, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
About two months in she had the first talk of many with me that would lead to this relationship ending. She brought up my weight and eating habits and my struggles physically. She was concerned about my health. I went on defense and turned it around and said I thought you liked me for me, you knew I was a big guy when we met, this is why I don't bother with relationships. I knew what she meant, but I loved her and didn't want to lose her. She told me that she loved me too and that is why she is saying this, she said that she was crazy about me and didn't want to lose me either, and wanted me to be healthy so we can share a long life together. This is how deep in my addiction I was, the love of my life telling me she wants a life with me and crying her eyes out to me about how she doesn't want me to get sick or die, and I couldn't stop eating. Maybe I thought she wants to spend the rest of her life with me too so I don't have to do anything now, just tell her I am and put on a good front. This is now my biggest regret.
Like any other addict I am very good at lying about my addiction and when I do it. She could tell I wasn't eating right and doing what I needed to do to build a future for us. We had a lot of talks about it, she cried and begged and still I just didn't do anything about it. Food was in control of my life that much, plus mixed with the arrogance and cockiness I had because I had this amazing girlfriend I let things get worse. She would cook these amazing healthy meals and make my lunch so I would eat good and when she wasn't around I would just eat more and more junk. She did everything a person could and showed me so much support and love. It got so bad that when I finally came to the realization that I couldn't live like this anymore and I wanted my life back it was too late for us. She was done, too may broken promises, to many "I'm gonna do it". I don't blame her at all, she was on a sinking ship. I would have felt so bad if I would have taken her down with me. When I joined OA and weight watchers again I couldn't guarantee I would stick to it, my past said otherwise, and all I could give where empty promises. I had lied about this so many times that my words didn't mean anything. She had to go live her life and be happy, and I hope she really is. All I wanted to do was make her happy. I took my relationship and I threw it off a cliff, and I was too lost in it and my addiction that I took the falling to the ground as flying so I didn't see the crash coming.
I have been in recovery since November 17th. I'm down 37 lbs and I attend meetings. I am in no way cured or fixed. My addiction to food is very real and is something I deal with on a second to second basis. Like other addicts it has cost me things that I love very dearly. I am very thankful for my family and friends for their support. My motivation now is for me, to be healthy, to live a full life. I know that if I don't, I will only repeat what has happened in the past.